Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Laughter is Still the Best Medicine!

A few more one-liners...

Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!
 
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
 
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
 
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
 
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…
 
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
 
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
 
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – use them!
 
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
 
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
 
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
 
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
 
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions. 
 
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
 
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
 
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Keep Your Eye on the Ball


In the 1st reading at Mass this morning, Peter, speaking to the Jewish people, quotes what King David said in Psalm 16:

I saw the Lord ever before me,
with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed.
Therefore my heart has been glad and my tongue has exulted;
my flesh, too, will dwell in hope,
because you will not abandon my soul to the nether world,
nor will you suffer your holy one to see corruption.
You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.
                                                                        Acts 2:25-28

That passage leads me to this question. As Christians should we look at all that is happening differently than those who are not Christians? The simple answer is yes. We look at it differently because we know that God is with us. We look at it differently because of Easter. We look at it differently because Jesus rose from the dead. We look at it differently because we know Jesus and “…with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed.”

I remember when I played Little League baseball. One particular coach that I had was Mr. Trulock. He was forever telling me, “Tom, keep your eye on the ball. Keep your eye on the ball.” With all that is going on today, it is easy to take our eyes off the ball. It’s easy to take our eyes off the Lord. As we go through all this, is your eye on the ball? Is your focus on the Lord? Put another way; are you able to say right now, “…with the Lord at my right hand I shall not be disturbed”?

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Happy Easter


HappyEaster everyone.  I shred this story a few years ago on Easter but I share it with you again today because, well...it's agreat story. 

It is called “What was in Jeremy’s Egg.” It is by Ida Mae Kempel

Jeremy was born with a twisted body and a slow mind.
   At age 12 he was still in second grade, seemingly unable to learn.
      His teacher, Doris Miller, often became exasperated with him.
         He would squirm in his seat, drool and make grunting noises.
At other times, he spoke clearly and distinctly,
  as if a light had penetrated the darkness of his brain.
Most of the time, however, Jeremy simply irritated his teacher
   and disturbed the other children.
One day his teacher called in his parents to come
    to St. Theresa’s School for a conference.
She told them, “Jeremy really needs to be in a special school.
   It isn’t fair to him to be in a class with younger children
      who don’t have learning problems.
        Why there is a five year age gap between him and the other children.”

Jeremy’s mother began to cry softly, while her husband spoke,
  “Mrs. Miller,” he said, “There is no school of that kind nearby.
     It would be a terrible shock to Jeremy if we had to take him out of this school. We know he really likes it here.”

Doris sat for a long time after they left, staring out the window as the snow began to fall.
She wanted to sympathize with Jeremy’s parents…after all he was their only son and he had a terminal illness. But still it wasn’t fair to the rest of the class. She had 18 other youngsters to teach and Jeremy was a distraction.
      
As she pondered the situation guilt washed over her,
“O God,” she said aloud, “Here I am complaining
    when my problems are nothing compared to that poor family.
      Please help me to be more patient with Jeremy.
From that day on, she tried hard to ignore Jeremy’s noises and blank stares.
  Then one day Jeremey approached her desk, dragging his bad leg behind him.
     “I love you Miss Miller,” he exclaimed.
        The other students snickered, and Doris’ face turned red.
She stammered, “Why…Jeremy, that’s very nice; now please take you seat.”

Spring came and the children talked excitedly about Easter.
  Miss Miller told them the story of Jesus,
    and then to emphasize the idea of new life springing forth,
       she gave each of them a plastic egg.
“Now,” she said, “I want you to take this egg home with you tonight
    and bring it back tomorrow with something inside that shows new life.
       Do you understand?”

“Yes Miss Miller,” the children shouted enthusiastically… all except Jeremy who simply stared intently at his teacher. Did he understand, she wondered, making a mental note to call his parents and explain the project to them.

That evening, Doris’ sink stopped up. A couple of other diversions and sure enough, she forgot to call Jeremy’s parents.

The next morning the 19 children came into school laughing and talking as they placed their eggs in the large wicker basket on Miss Miller’s desk.

The time came to open the eggs.
  In the first egg, Doris found a flower.
     “Oh yes,” she said, “A flower is certainly a sign of new life.
          When a plant peeks through the earth we know that Spring is near.”
A small girl in the first row waved her hand, “That’s my egg, Miss Miller.”
   
The next egg contained a plastic butterfly, which looked very real. Doris held it up. “We all know that a caterpillar changes and becomes a beautiful butterfly. Yes that is new life too.” Little Judy smiled, “That one is mine Miss Miller.”

Next, Doris found a rock with moss on it. She explained that moss too showed life. Billy spoke up from the back of the classroom. “My daddy helped me,” he beamed.

Then Doris opened the fourth egg. She gasped. The egg was empty. Surely it was Jeremy’s egg, she thought, and of course, he did not understand the assignment. If only she had not forgotten to phone his parents.
   Not wanting to embarrass him, she placed the egg aside and reached for the next one. Suddenly, Jeremy spoke up, “Miss Miller, aren’t you going to talk about my egg?” Flustered, Doris replied, “But Jeremy, your egg is empty.” He looked into her eyes and said softly, “Yes, but Jesus’ tomb was empty too.”

Time stopped. When she could speak again, Doris asked him,  “Jeremy, do you know why the tomb was empty?” “Oh yes,” Jeremy replied, “Jesus was killed and put in there. Then his father raised Him up”

The recess bell rang. While the children excitedly ran out to the playground, Doris sat and cried. The cold inside her melted completely away.

Three months later Jeremy died. Those who paid their respects at the mortuary were surprised to see 19 eggs on top of the casket, all of them empty.

I don’t think I have to add anything to that story.
   The empty tomb is the core event of our faith.
       It is what we celebrate this day!

Happy Easter everyone!



Thursday, April 9, 2020

Holy Triduum


Holy Week now moves to full speed. 

Holy Thursday: We begin tonight with the Mass of the Lord's Supper. On Holy Thursday we received two Sacraments and a model to follow in our life.

The two Sacraments are the institution of the Eucharist and Holy Orders. The Church describes the Eucharist as the source and summit of who we are as God's holy people. It is the source in that all that we are flows from the Eucharist. It is the summit in that we are at our best when we "do this in memory of me." Jesus gave us priests to lead us in word and sacrament. If I can be so bold as to ask for your prayers. I love being a priest. Pray that I can be a better one tomorrow than I was today. Say that prayer every day and I know God will bless me.

The model is found in the washing of the feet. I've said before that the Eucharist can never really be separated from the washing of the feet. If we are to share in the table we are also called to share in the service. 

Good Friday: Of course on Good Friday we celebrate the Passion of our Lord. We read the passion story; we pray for the needs of the world: we venerate the cross and (normally) we receive the Eucharist consecrated on Holy Thursday. This year find a way to do those things. Read the passion (here is a link to it http://usccb.org/bible/readings/041020.cfm Next, offer prayers for the entire world-Catholics, other Christians, our Jewish brothers and sisters, other religions, those who do not believe in God, those to be received into the church soon, government leaders, and those affected by the Coronavirus. Veneration of the cross is simple enough. Simply take a crucifix down from a wall and place it on your lap and say some prayers while meditating on the cross. Finally, say the prayer of Spiritual Communion. Here it is:

My Jesus, I believe that You are present in the Most Holy Sacrament. I love You above all things, and I desire to receive You into my soul. Since I cannot at this moment receive You sacramentally, come at least spiritually into my heart. I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You. Never permit me to be separated from You. Amen.

Easter Sunday: Happy Easter everyone. We celebrate it a lot different but what we celebrate is the same. We celebrate the empty tomb; not just that it is empty, but it is empty because Christ is Risen! Notice we don't say Christ was Risen. We say Christ is risen. Our savior lives today. Invite him into your hearts right now! Enjoy the day but do so in a safe and responsible way. 

God bless you all!

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Hope You Can Still Laugh-Shelter in Place Quotes


Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem. 
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on ‘Wheel of Fortune’. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA:  Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.  It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog and we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine ... will the producers of ‘My 600 Pound Life’ just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5:  Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.  I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda.  I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".  I'm offended.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Start with the Easiest

I was "zooming" with some friends the other day and one of them mentioned that there was a lot of things that he wanted to get done during this period of social isolation, but he had not done any of them yet. Someone else quickly chimed in with this advice. He said, "Make a list of all the things you want to get done. Then rank them from the easiest to the hardest and do them in that order. Once you get something done--anything--it will be easier to acccomplish the next things on the list."

What a great piece of advice. So often in life we have so many things that we want to accomplish that it can become overwhelming. This time of social isolation is no different. We've all heard the old adage: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

So if you want to get some things done during this time and haven't accomplished much, just take a bite!